Today finds me looking toward the future and focusing on the changes I desire to see, and yet me being me I am also looking back. I can hardly believe that it has been two years since I have started writing and putting my books out there.
What is different? I am. Allowing myself to write has led me to – even if only very recently- value the act of creatively giving of myself. I see writing in a more personal light and value it for what it brings to me, even if isn’t financially rewarding me right now.This was hard to get to. I have had to really work on staying positive.
In fact, my spirit was crushed when I prepared to do my taxes and discovered something.Get ready for this: Giving myself ten hours a week for all of 2015 I earned a whopping .25 cents per hour. An. Hour. I repeat. A. Quarter. An. Hour.
Not my best move, leaving security without being in a position to really offer financially all it really takes to set your dream on fire.
Responsibility has been weighing on me; bills wait for no dream.
Disgusted and distraught for a while, I stepped back and renewed my focus yet again on getting back into teaching. I am subbing. Hoping to interview and be hired in the perfect place soon for the next school year.
Writing? I admit, a bit of luster was gone. I wrote “.25 cents PR HR” on a card by my laptop and every time I would go in my office I would get a punched-in-the-soul feeling. My stomach lurched even without glancing at that sign. But I tried.It’s just that I am not one to fake very well. Inspiration, my soul’s desire and fuel for my poetry, was gone.So I sat by a blank page and finally stopped sitting down altogether.
Now I am beginning to write a few poems here and there. I have a title for a third poetry book and I am still dreaming of the children’s books I would like to write. Even with these things happening, the being disappointed and change of plans that include more long-range goals and practical steps, I am happy to feel the act of writing take a deeper meaning for me as well as a deeper place in my heart.